Yo! Sushi, or A Glam Night Out at Bluewater

Imagine being given a menu with 130 or so dishes, most of which look like at least 20 of the others. Then have someone put the dishes in pastel-shaded hamster exercise balls and have them hurtle past you on a miniature airport carousel. Sit several feet away from the carousel, with a couple of people between you and it, and then say, 'Grab me a pink one with two small pellets of cold rice wrapped in a sort of blackish leaf with a prawn on top, would you, when one goes by?'

While you are waiting, help yourself to water from the tap in the middle of the table (£1 for as much as you can drink), exclaiming merrily when the drips from the tap pass through the hole in the table onto your feet and into your shopping.

At intervals invite the smiling staff to refill your bowl of miso soup (£1.75 for as much as you can drink), and marvel at their dexterity as they stack the bowls, refill them, then redistribute them back in a different order. Wonder as you sip from someone else's bowl whether they have washed their hands since handling the bowls of the table next door, and whether the complexion problem of the gentleman in the Burberry baseball cap is communicable.

After your empty hamster balls have been counted and you have entered your card details at the check-out, chuckle as you discover that instead of entering your pin number, you have keyed in a tip of £98.95.

Buy Kentucky Fried Chicken on the way out.