Mushroom Growing Kit

What does it signify when your in-laws give you a mushroom-growing kit for your wedding anniversary? What are they trying to tell you? Because this is what mine gave us a few weeks ago. They were going to buy a climbing rose, which would have been great because the rose that covered the front of the house died the year before last. (It died of thirst, because it had infiltrated the kitchen drain and when we had the drain repaired it couldn't cope without it. I like the thought of those fragrant pink flowers nurtured on washing-up water and old rice and peas).

We need a new thing growing up the front. Without it the house looks like a diminutive barracks. But instead of an architectural fig leaf we've got an oversized polystyrene and cardboard compost container occupying the kitchen table. There is only room for two of us to eat alongside it, so we now have meals in shifts.

The instructions said it must be kept at a certain temperature, which is why it's in the kitchen. We don't have central heating, so everywhere else is too cold, unless one of us baths with it or takes it to bed. The instructions also said that it must be kept dark and moist. Erotic stuff, mushroom compost. A month of keeping the curtains drawn and the lights off in the kitchen has also led to some interesting culinary innovations. For example, did you know that instant coffee and gravy granules have identical containers and consistencies?

"But it'll be worth it in the end," the Social Secretary said. It's a moot point; mushrooms are only £1 a punnet at the market. Nevertheless, as the scheduled time approached I grew quite excited and got my little frying pan and spatula ready (or 'spitula' for the benefit of US readers who have not yet figured out a past tense for 'spit'). I'm as partial to an omelette as the next man. Lovely, fresh, home-grown mushrooms. Mmmm.

But.

Not one mushroom has appeared. Not a nubbin. Ne'er a pinhead.

I don't understand it. We've kept them as dark and warm and moist as a ....dark and warm and moist thing. We've moderated our language near them in a thoroughly morel way, and played the sort of music mushrooms might like (Ravel's 'Boletus' and so on). The SS has been spraying the compost daily with the mist from a recycled Windolene bottle. (Did the bottles get switched? Have we have been spraying the windows with water and the mushrooms with Windolene?)

We raised our children in the same environment without any trouble. (Well, not in a box on the kitchen table, by and large, but you know...) Why should mushrooms be more difficult than children? What gives them the right? Ironically, I can't stop the fungal growths in the back porch, which often resembles a set from Dr. Who. (Note to self; check whether these are edible; we could make a fortune marketing bits of porch in a box).

The repeated spraying has started a damp patch on the wall behind the box, a dark stain is spreading on the table below it, and the SS is developing RSI from squeezing the trigger on the spray bottle. I don't think we can take much more. The instructions say we should expect three cycles of crops; that would mean we are stuck with the bloody thing right through the summer.

What should we do? Buy some mushrooms, plant them and invite the in-laws over to see what a success they've been? Dry the whole thing out, wrap it in festive paper, and give it back to them next Christmas saying we enjoyed it so much we bought them one? Move house?

Suggestions and horticultural advice most welcome.

Absent Blends

Nice, well-travelled and erudite Lucyfishwife has tagged me, which was initially exciting, and then raised some problems like:

a) I'm not sure I've yet got enough of the sort of blends I can pass it on to. (Blends = 'blog friends' - since people are throwing me with words like 'tag' and 'meme', I don't see why I shouldn't make up some they don't know.)

b) I can't think of six interesting things about myself. (This realisation is a bit of an ego-imploder)

c) It's fun, but one wouldn't want the blogosphere to drift into the prodding, poking, virtual drink and flower-gifting teen bollocksphere that Facebook has become (humbug)

The challenge was to post six random things about myself.

Jacky Charlton once greeted me on a train. (I thought he looked vaguely familiar, and nodded reservedly back).

My mother and aunt were best-selling authors. (It must be a recessive gene).

My children didn't know I smoked until I told them when the eldest was 13. They just thought I smelt funny.

I once managed a naval dockyard. (I got out before I sank it).

My first four vehicles had only ten wheels between them.

Brother Tobias, night-clubs, alcohol, pocketed hands and cobbles are not a good combination in Bruges.

In view of my diffidence about actually tagging anyone else, consider yourself invited if you would like to be...and I'll tag you retrospectively for merit.

Il Fait Pluie

Aujourd'hui il pleut lentement. Il fait pluie sur l'herbe, et dans les lits. Il pleut tout au travers de la maison, et il pleut dans mon coeur avec un humidité le plus sérieux. Il fait pluie dans mon coeur parce que je n'ai rien sujét pour ma plume écrire autour. Oh non.

Little Known Facts: The Engine that Ran on Baking Soda

Today is the 200th anniversary of the birth of Zach Leigh-Wright, inventor of the Airey Engine.

Leigh-Wright, a nephew of Lancashire brewer Isiah Wright, invented the Airey - the name is derived from its full title, the Acid/Alkali Alternating Impulse Reaction Engine (AAAIRE) - in an inspired act of social philanthropy.

In the mid C19th the Crimean War required widespread requisition of horses for combat and to draw guns. One effect of this was a shortage of dray horses. This led in 1854 to the infamous 'Winter of the Mares', when women (and even children), mostly from brewery workers' families, were employed to pull the brewer's wagons in northern towns. Moved by their plight, Leigh-Wright realised that vinegar - a by-product of the brewing process - might be used to power the drays.

Leigh-Wright's invention bore some similarity to Hero's 1st century steam-powered 'Aeolipile', although there is no evidence that Zach was aware of the Aeolipile or influenced by it. At its simplest the Airey engine consisted of an oscillating drum internally divided into two 'tadpole-shaped' chambers, similar in cross-section to the Taoist 'Taijitu' or yin yang symbol. Pressurised aerosol sprays of sodium bicarbonate (baking soda) and atomised aqueous acetic acid (vinegar) were injected alternately into the two chambers through jets in a central axle. The result was chain of a rapid exothermic reactions producing CO2 gas and a massive expansion in volume (a reaction familiar to children who have made papier maché 'volcanoes' in their kitchens at home).

The expanding gases were ejected through nozzles at the narrow end of each chamber, causing the drum to rotate in alternate directions. The oscillation was governed by an escapement, and converted into rotational movement via a camshaft.

Airey-powered drays were a familiar sight, sound and scent around the streets of Preston, Leeds, and Bradford in the mid 1850s, but the engine had several drawbacks; it emitted large quantities of water, there were appalling corrosion problems, and the expansion chambers tended to become clogged with residue. Ironically, the mechanical drays were also unpopular with the brewer's men, who had found the employment of their wives to haul wagons a useful source of extra income.

In the following decade the increased availability of heavy horses and improvements to the steam engine gradually eclipsed the Airey engine, and by the 1870s the internal combustion engine was beginning its inexorable ascendency.

Although today it is all but forgotten, the non-polluting technology of the Airey engine may yet see its return, especially as new technologies now enable baking soda to be produced from carbon retrieved from furnace gases, making the operation of the engines carbon neutral.

Rock Art

Brother T is not recommended for decor tips ("Why not...nail little metal bottle tops upside down on the floor?") But for once I think I've had a good idea.

Still got all those old vinyls under the stairs? Never play them? Why not make yourself an 'Album of the Week' frame? Oh yes.

The idea came after I'd splashed out on a Joan Baez LP at a charity shop (K had become interested in her after watching the Woodstock DVD). It was sitting on the kitchen table when an enthusiastic dinner guest got all wistful and reminiscent about it, and I thought; "So it's not just me."

With a cunningly modified sick squid frame from Wilko's (it now has a hinged back) we've got ourselves this little rotating exhibitionlet. A different picture to enjoy every week. Lots of album designs are seriously stylish, and many are iconic. (The White Album is a bit of a decorative disappointment, though).

If you have a local charity shop and are into Mantovani, Jim Reeves and Englebert Humperdinck, you can do the whole house for about £18.

Tribute

Humphrey Lyttleton
1921 - 2008

Patronising Poop for Pensioners

A tacky wad of advertising material plopped through the letterbox yesterday, promoting something called 'PC Knowledge for Seniors'. On the header is the picture of a strange-looking man named Rob Young (Rob Seniors would have been unfortunate), whom I took an immediate dislike to, even though he can't help the way he looks.

The text is arrogantly presumptive and patronising. "...using a computer is a LOT easier - and a LOT more fun - than many people think" (Stop shouting please, Mr Young). "...you'll be given your own special password.." (Whoopee do). You'll be able to read messages..in the discussion forum - and even post messages or questions yourself" (What, me? On my own? I can't believe it!).

Perhaps there are people who will find what Mr Young offers useful, but the underlying assumption that anyone over 50 will find computers baffling is really, really tossy. I'm guessing the nearest Mr Young had got to a computer until a few years ago was using a typewriter to compose small ads in the Bradford Telegraph and Argos. And most of the software he is offering comes free with new computers anyway.

I don't suppose one should refer back to past rants, but if you have nothing better to do...